Lately, I have struggled with missing old things. My old things.
The things which once brought me comfort, even when they brought me sadness; the things which gave me worth, even when they brought me shame; the things which built me up, even as they tore me apart.
Depression. Comparison. Dependency. Grief. Anxiety. My old things – and of course, the many ways I sought to keep these things.
With this missing, comes the shame for missing. The disappointment in myself for wanting what is gone, what is not good for me.
How often do I long for what harms me? How many times have I grieved for the parts of my past which have nearly broken me?
Nothing is lost, everything is transformed.
It is not as if some part of me still romanticizes the old parts of me. I remember the pain, the regret, and the loneliness which accompanied these old feelings, along with the pursuit and maintenance of these feelings. These feelings were far from good, but they felt safe. I felt safe in the midst of them, because I felt unseen, unaccounted for and able to exist without any sort of pressure or expectation.
Satan likes to deceive us in this way – to twist real good things into threats we hide from. We start to view the all-encompassing love of a Creator who knows us as controlling. We see our bad things as “good things” because we are enticed by the false sense of freedom they offer – all the while missing out on the promises from The One who makes all good things.
It has been almost five years now since I was, by the grace of God, brought out of some really dark places. I have seen the Lord restore my life in ways I could have never imagined and experienced time and time again the overwhelming hope of knowing I am redeemed through Christ, and no longer who I once was.
And yet, I find myself getting distracted sometimes. Sliding into old (albeit small) habits that are not healthy for me. Feeling a sense of nostalgia for that old me who felt she was completely unknown and didn’t answer to anyone.
On my own, I am weak. On my own, I listen to sad music for hours instead of decompressing with friends, nap too often and purposely don’t do what I know helps me cope with feelings of anxiety or stress.
Luckily, I am not on my own. All old things (yes, including mine!) are being made new. And that transformation is in no way dependent on me or the moments I am enticed again to the old things I’ve left behind.
Nothing is lost, everything is transformed – including me.
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. // 2 Corinthians 3:18